A Delight for A Lexophile: A Lover of Words

“Lexophile” is a term used to describe those who are clever with words, such as “you can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish” , or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in Dubuque, Iowa. The year’s winning submissions are:


When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

  1. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  2. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  3. The batteries were given out free of charge.
  4. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
  5. A will is a dead giveaway.
  6. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  7. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  8. When you’ve seen one shopping Centre, you’ve seen a mall.
  9. Police were called to the daycare Centre, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  10. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  11. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
  12. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  13. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
  14. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  15. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.
  16. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
  17. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
  18. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  19. A backward poet writes inverse.
  20. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
  21. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  22. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  23. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  24. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  25. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  26. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  27. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  28. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
  29. A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
  30. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  31. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  32. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  33. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  34. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  35. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  36. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.